Feature Article April 3, 2002
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The big bald eagle is landingThe big Yankee Bald Eagle is on the way north with Mickey Mouse astride its back, and is driving the Beaver, with its homegrown Canadian culture, into the hinterland of North Frontenac. Our industrious earth-bound national rodent and the residents of Ottawa's Peace Tower cower under its looming shadow. We are fortunate here in snowy, isolated North Frontenac, to have few natural resources either above or below the ground to satisfy the ravenous bird. But we cannot escape its dominance when we go out front.
I hope you will enjoy coffee in "Dunkin' Dubya's Donuts", the soon-to-be-renamed "Tim Hortons", which already is owned by Wendys - that vast American fat- producing fast food outlet. I am trying to trace down the rumour [rumor] (How long may we keep our Canadian spelling?) that the fat content of Dunkin Dubyas doughnuts [donuts] will be grossly increased to make us less distinguishable from the overfed southern invaders. Until the U.S. Bureau of Human Standards approves injecting Yankee genes directly into Canadian bodies, the aggressors will be subtle in transforming us.
Maizie, my Mazinaw under-water source of secret knowledge, is laying good odds that in less than a decade, Canadian Tire will become Yankee Bumper, and turned into another stateside box store like the ones now marching across our landscape. Already, Mexican-made goods are becoming more available than those from Taiwan.
Those of us in North Frontenac who have neither cable nor satellite dish can still escape much of the American cultural influence on the vaunted 500 channel television plague. We will remain fortunate until ABC buys CBC and our final source of Canadian culture dries up.
Will North Frontenac residents escape the onslaught? Not likely. We have one of the few remaining good sources of fresh water, and it is even now being sucked out of our Tay River. Increased amounts are being demanded to quench southern thirst.
I have inquired of our Member of Parliament's office as to the percentage of Canada presently owned by the United States and haven't received a reply. Does he not know? won't tell? or is he already ignoring Canadian constituency concerns? Rather scary, eh!
North Frontenac civil servants were more prompt in answering my inquiry. They estimate that approximately 7 percent of the latest tax bills were mailed to the United States. I expect that these bills represent ownership of our prime lakeshore properties. I will confirm this when the palm pilots, computers, and other mysterious Yankee inventions become more prevalent here, and the staff can better analyze their records.
Already the takeover is under way. Sixty percent of our oil/gas industry is owned or controlled by American interests. Our communications industry is coagulating under reduced ownership and becoming more attractive for foreign purchase - the Yankees only like big deals. Wonder what will be the fate of The Frontenac News when our 63 loony is replaced with the Yankee greenback?
Maizie tells me, and I have the utmost faith in that old gal's wisdom that by April 1, 2013, a significant date if there ever was one, there will be 51 stars on the Yankee flag. Respecting our neighbourliness [neighborliness], the latest addition will be created in the shape of a maple leaf, and contain Brian Mulroney's face. All cereal boxes will be equally covered in American and Mexican printing, and we will be measuring once again in miles and short-changed gallons. New words will be penned for our national anthem, something to the tune of: "O Canada / land of the fattened / and home of the complacent.."
