Death – It’s A Part of Life, Is The Message at Death Cafe

Jemma Dooreleyers | Nov 01, 2023

“How do I support a friend who is grieving a loved one?”

“What are the right things to say when someone tells me they’re dying?”

“What do I want my last days to look and feel like?”

“What do I want to happen to me after I die?

“What do I believe happens after we die?”

Do these questions feel awkward, uncomfortable and intense for a discussion amongst a group of strangers? The feeling of taboo and the notion that “maybe we should talk about this later” when it comes to death are normal reactions, but reactions, some believe, that can be changed.

That is where Death Cafe, an organization dedicated to dissipating the tense feelings when it comes to death, and Katie Buckley, the hospice and palliative care coordinator at Southern Frontenac Community services come in - to provide a space for people to openly talk about death, while they eat cake.

“A death cafe is a place to talk about death in a non-judgemental place with others who want to talk openly about death and dying,” said Buckley as an opening remark for the Death Cafe that took place at Sydenham Public Library on October 23, 2023.

According to Death Cafe’s website, established in 2011 Death Cafe is an organization dedicated to “increasing awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.” Death Cafes are always offered in a non-profit basis, in an accessible, respectful and confidential space, with no intention of leading people to any way of thinking about death, alongside refreshing drinks, nourishing foods and often, cake.

Buckley, works with Southern Frontenac Community Services as a hospice and palliative care coordinator and is a trained end-of-life doula works closely with people who are dying and their families and sees a need for the perception of death to shift.

“We live in a death-denying culture and have been so far removed from being hands-on with death that we don’t think critically about having a good death or how to contemplate our own death,”she said. “Death cafes are for speaking about the philosophical, spiritual, environmental and biological implications of death and how to do death better than what we’re being presented with in our Western culture.”

Although Death Cafes are not to be confused with grief support (“Someone deep in grief should seek other supports”, said Buckely), grief is something that goes along with discussing death and participants expect to be confronted with that. Just an expression of grief to a group of people can be seen as healing when spoken aloud.

Some people, like Jim Lovett, board member of Southern Frontenac Community Services, hospice volunteer and participant in the Death Cafe, sees the value in speaking about death from his own experience with the loss of his wife.

“I’ve had my eyes opened over the past couple of years and I know how valuable it is to speak about death in an open way,” said Lovett. “Besides, it's a way of honouring my wife.”

Jim Carthill, member of the Blackfoot Confederacy, Pikant Nation, volunteer with Southern Frontenac Community Services and participant at the Death Cafe wants people to reframe their thoughts on death.

“Death is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be,” he said. “Life and death are similar in that they should be celebrated.”

Buckley hopes that with the start of the conversation in the community, more people will be open to thinking about how they want their death to go and what they want to happen afterwards.

“Death cafes are important to begin changing the narrative around death,” she said. “Being comfortable discussing death leads to change.”

For more information on upcoming Death Cafes and other events follow Southern Frontenac Community Services on Facebook.